All Party Agreement On Emergency Legislation To Deal With William Binchy

William Binchy (pictured) used to be a serious person. In 1983 he gave some much needed intellectual gloss to the crowd of auld ones with mad black scarves tied to their heads and sexually repressed eejits in duffel coats who predominated on the Pro-MoreDeadWomen side of that September's abhortion referendum.

The prominence of serious Willie Binchy in that campaign allowed people with pianos who had been to U.C.D. and Trinity College to vote to keep Ireland abhortion free and not immediately have to go out to the garden shed and drink weedkiller. Yes, back in the Autumn of 1983, serious Willle was to the Pro-MoreDeadWomen movement in Ireland what Philip Schofield (pictured below) currently is to daytime television.

These days, Willie is much shrivelled and taken a whole lot less seriously than he was thirty years ago. And it's about to get a whole lot worse.

Today's Irish Times has a front page story about another woman who was helped on her way to an early grave by Ireland's abhortion laws, which Willie played such a key role in inflicting on us.

The woman in question was in bad health as a result of her pregnancy. She sought an abortion at a Dublin hospital, which was refused.

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/police-in-london-investigate-case-of-woman-who-died-after-travelling-from-dublin-to-uk-for-abortion-1.1470902

She died in the back of a London taxi, having gone there to have the termination she was refused in Ireland. A round of applause for Willie.

A source close to Enda Kenny's office has informed this blog that the Government will now bring in emergency legislation to deal with the remants of William Binchy's seriousness.

Under the proposed bill, William Binchy will be forced to wear a clown costume every time he leaves the house.

It is understood that the legislation will include a clause under which, should formerly serious Willie be ever found wandering the streets not dressed appropriately, he will immediately be forced at gun-point to walk out into the sea until he is no more.

Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams and the entire technical group bar one have pledged to support the bill. 

The only dissenting voice is Finian McGrath T.D. who is thought to be on his way to the plinth outside Leinster House to condemn this outrage. But that's okay because no one gives a shit what he thinks.   

Conference of Religious of Ireland express concern for the anuses of Colm Keaveney & Michelle Mulherin

On its website The Conference of Religious of Ireland describes itself as “an Organisation of friars, sisters and brothers from across Ireland, with history, structures, activities, publications and commissions on various topics.” The Conference of Religious of Ireland (C.O.R.I) is best known for expressing concern about poverty through the earthly vessel that is Father Sean Healy. You can read more about C.O.R.I. on their website http://www.cori.ie/ . They’re a right rowdy crowd.

Unfortunately, this weekend C.O.R.I. have gone beyond their usual ineffectual expressions of anguish about the growing gap between rich and poor and issued a statement in which they accuse the government of Enda Kenny & Eamon Gilmore of behaving like a "totalitarian regime" by not allowing backbench Fine Gael and Labour T.Ds a free vote on the government’s upcoming abhortion legislation aka the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill. For more such obscurantist ramblings you can read the full C.O.R.I statement here  http://www.rte.ie/news/2013/0607/455123-abortion-legislation/

There have been a number of totalitarian regimes throughout history. Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot come to mind. But I’m bored talking about that crowd.

Another totalitarian regime was the one which ruled much of Europe during the Dark and Middle ages: the Catholic Church.

Here’s an example of the type of thing the organisation, of which C.O.R.I. is part, got up to then:

“While the accused heretics were on strappado or the rack, inquisitors often applied other torture devices to their bodies. These included­ heated metal pincers, thumbscrews, boots, or other devices designed to burn, pinch or otherwise mutilate their hands, feet or bodily orifices. Although mutilation was technically forbidden, in 1256, Pope Alexander IV decreed that inquisitors could clear each other from any wrongdoing that they might have done during torture sessions.”

Good old Pope Alexander IV. As Popes go, he’s one of my favourites. The above mentioned application of pincers and thumbscrews to the soft bits took place in Spain. I’m told the Museum of the Inquisition in Seville is well worth a visit.

This is the sort of thing totalitarian regimes get up to. Whatever one might say about the current coalition, they are no such regime. Fine Gael and Labour T.D.s, such as Blessed Colm Keaveney and Michelle Mulherin, who vote against the government’s abhortion legislation, will not have hot metal pincers inserted up their anuses. They will lose the government whip for a while and be expelled from the parliamentary party. They will though remain T.Ds until at least the next General Election. The assorted friars, sisters and brothers of the Conference of Religious of Ireland should rest easy in their beds; the anuses of Colm Keaveney and Michelle Mulherin (pictured below with some of her enthusiastic supporters) are safe in Enda’s and Eamon’s hands. Pope Alexander IV would not approve: his heretics did not live to be thrown about by their supporters come the result of the final count in the subsequent general election.