Kim Kardashian and Kanye West drowned in unregistered septic tank

There are rumours that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have both been drowned in an unregistered septic tank just outside Castlerea, County Roscommon. 

The tank, pictured below, is said to contain everything John Waters ever wrote, said or thought about newly elected Member of the European Parliament, Luke Ming Flanagan. 

President Michael D. Higgins has welcomed the drowning of Ms Kardashian and Mr West as “a sign of our growing national maturity.” 

Gardaí are not investigating the matter. Acting Garda Commissioner, Nóirín O’Sullivan, described the deaths of Ms Kardashian and Mr West as “a welcome distraction."

Members of the Dáil Technical Group are believed to be preparing a bill to end the ban on drowning celebrities in septic tanks, a prohibition which Minister for Justice, Frances Fitzgerald, has herself described as “a legislative relic of an era from which we, as a country, have thankfully moved on."

It is expected that the Government will facilitate this bill’s swift passage into law.

The Pro-Life movement have expressed some reservations. When she heard the news,  Lucinda Creighton TD of the Deform Alliance headed immediately to Roscommon and tried to give both Kardashian and West mouth to mouth rescutitation.

Thankfully, she was not successful.

If he hadn't been dead for 98 years, Padraig Pearse would have been proud of the Irish people today. To celebrate, I plan to spend the day loudly declaining my re-interpretation of Pearse's classic poem: 'I Am Ireland':

"I am Ireland:
I am the love child of Brian Keenan and John Waters.
I drive Lebanese terrorists and Sinéad O'Connor bonkers.
I will go on forever.

Great my glory
I am Enya's next album
and Michael Flatley's other testicle rolled into one.

Great is my shame:
I am Frank McCourt's next bookand, even worse, I'm his brother...."

The full poem can be found in The Boy With No Face (Salmon Poetry, 2005).