Lucinda Creighton's Cheap Publicity Stunt

My poem, 'The Ballad of Lucy Kryton', which I penned in December, was published on Monday on The Bogman's Cannon and then re-published on Wednesday on Rabble.ie.

I am currently in negotiations with Marianne Faithfull about the possibility that she might sing the poem and release it as a single on iTunes.

This evening I learned that, in a tawdry publicity stunt designed only to give further publicity to my poem, Lucinda Creighton is planning to launch a new very right of centre political party tomorrow. 

I am outraged, and now plan to write a series of confusing letters to The Irish Examiner about the issue. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West drowned in unregistered septic tank

There are rumours that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have both been drowned in an unregistered septic tank just outside Castlerea, County Roscommon. 

The tank, pictured below, is said to contain everything John Waters ever wrote, said or thought about newly elected Member of the European Parliament, Luke Ming Flanagan. 

President Michael D. Higgins has welcomed the drowning of Ms Kardashian and Mr West as “a sign of our growing national maturity.” 

Gardaí are not investigating the matter. Acting Garda Commissioner, Nóirín O’Sullivan, described the deaths of Ms Kardashian and Mr West as “a welcome distraction."

Members of the Dáil Technical Group are believed to be preparing a bill to end the ban on drowning celebrities in septic tanks, a prohibition which Minister for Justice, Frances Fitzgerald, has herself described as “a legislative relic of an era from which we, as a country, have thankfully moved on."

It is expected that the Government will facilitate this bill’s swift passage into law.

The Pro-Life movement have expressed some reservations. When she heard the news,  Lucinda Creighton TD of the Deform Alliance headed immediately to Roscommon and tried to give both Kardashian and West mouth to mouth rescutitation.

Thankfully, she was not successful.

If he hadn't been dead for 98 years, Padraig Pearse would have been proud of the Irish people today. To celebrate, I plan to spend the day loudly declaining my re-interpretation of Pearse's classic poem: 'I Am Ireland':

"I am Ireland:
I am the love child of Brian Keenan and John Waters.
I drive Lebanese terrorists and Sinéad O'Connor bonkers.
I will go on forever.

Great my glory
I am Enya's next album
and Michael Flatley's other testicle rolled into one.

Great is my shame:
I am Frank McCourt's next bookand, even worse, I'm his brother...."

The full poem can be found in The Boy With No Face (Salmon Poetry, 2005).

I Have Been Invited To Read My Poems At 'Monster Rally'

I have just received a phone call inviting me to read two of my poems at the Monster Rally that is being organised by Lucinda Creighton at a very large venue, to be announced, later this month.

The two poems I will be reading on the day include one that has been personally requested by Lucinda Creighton herself, which you can read here, and another that has been requested by Shenator Fidelma Healy Eames, which you can read here.

This is a great honour, obviously. Also taking part will be David McWilliams who will be there to appeal to middle aged women of no particular opinions. And - a little something for you rugby types out there - according to today's Sunday Independent Tom McGurk's roasting testicular sac will be driven into the stadium in a Popemobile. 

 

Ice will be provided free of charge to all menopausal men in attendance.